First of all, I should preface this guide by saying that you’ll never be more of a Wii Fanboy than I am. But what if I was killed in some horrific Wii Sports accident; involving a fishtank, perhaps? All the wannabe Wii Fanboys out there would need a comprehensive guide to being the Ultimate Wii Fanboy. Of course I would always be the FIRST Wii Fanboy, and all my successors would only be Wii Fanboys in my image, understand?

Secondly, just to make my first point clear, you can’t just go out and register some domain name and suddenly be a Fanboy. I’m the only true Wii Fanboy. But it’s admirable to try and own me, even though you won’t.

Thirdly, and this is the my most important point. Being a Wii Fanboy is not about how much you like playing games on the Wii. You must download all the Virtual Console games, that goes without saying. You don’t have to play them, I mean they are all like 20 years old. But you must download them all. VC games are far superior to those Wii games you get on discs nowadays. All those expensive new Wii games are crap. They’re all just flashy graphics and the gameplay is totally uninteresting. Plus, there’s the inconvenience of having to go out and actually buy the things. Then if that’s not bad enough, you have to actually insert the damn disc! How inconvenient! No, the true Wii Fanboy doesn’t concern himself with such trivial things as the latest Wii releases. It’s all about Wii accessories and how many you own. This, my young padawan is the true essense of the Wii Fanboy.

Well, that intro was longer than the Super Mario Galaxy opening sequence. Read on to discover your true destiny as a Wii Fanboy.

The first accessory I bought for my Wii was a 2GB SD memory card. As the Wii doesn’t have very much internal storage, the sales clerk recommended I buy some extra memory to fit all my save games on there. But I didn’t get one of the Wii branded ones, so it was incompatible with my Wii, and I’ve had to order one of the proper ones from overseas, which is a pain. Why did Nintendo have to use a proprietary memory format? I thought they were the good guys.

Now, it’s been a while since the Wii was released and we really are spoilt for choice when it comes to must-have Wii accessories. To prove to the world just how much of a Wii Fanboy you are, your “goal” (that’s a Mario reference for all you n00bs reading this) is to spend more on Wii paraphernalia than you did on the actual console. And ignore all those negative product reviews. The reviewers aren’t Wii Fanboys so their reviews will be biased against Nintendo and you can’t trust them. These are quality gadgets that no true Wii Fanboy should be without, or else he wouldn’t be a proper Fanboy would he?

I’ve already bought some white GameCube controllers. You need them to play some of the VC games. Well, not that you’ll be playing but you can invite your friends over then own them at the games after bragging about how you don’t even play them anymore because you’re so good they’re no longer a challenge. But be careful, the GC controllers in other colours aren’t compatible with the Wii so make sure you get the white ones.

This next one is a must. I’ve seen those n00bs with their DIY sensor bars out there but finally, a nice commercial wireless sensor bar for the Wii, which is a great idea in my opinion. I think Nintendo must have used cheap sensors in the default sensor bar because mine is always dropping out and the cursor shakes all over the place. I read on some forum that it’s infrared so heating up the sensor bar will boost the signal but I tried it and those forum posters are all n00bs as it didn’t work. So best to get the wireless one. It works via Bluetooth so it can transmit the signals it receives from the Wiimote back to the Wii.

This Wii Party Station is the ultimate Wii party-time accessory. My previous Wii parties have lacked that certain something, and now I have realised what’s missing, and it’s a bowl full of nachos. The Party Station is compatible with Wii Sports, too. So while playing Wii Sports, if you eat out of the special bowl, you don’t absorb as many calories. It also has built in fan for hand drying which will come in handy when you get quite sweaty after your daily Wii Sports routine. It’s better than conventional exercise as you’re using your brain as well. Those n00bs over at Nyko have stopped making the station though, which sucks. You’ll have to hunt around for a used one and pay whatever it costs. Being a Wii Fanboy isn’t exactly cheap.

I mentioned VC games before, well it works like this. You must have an irrational nostalgic fetish for retro arcade games and devote endless hours trying to recapture your pre-youth. But alas, your thirst for retro gaming is simply so great that it cannot be quenched. After mastering each title, you avoid playing VC games but download them in hope that the next title will be be the one. Understand? It will happen eventually, you will slowly begin to enjoy classics again. Actually, I’ll share a secret with you. Something that helped me along was this Hori fighting stick. Get it and own your friends at the VC titles as they flail around with the new cumbersome controllers.

I’ve been keeping quiet about it until now, but I’ve actually been really worried about dust getting into my Wii. This irrational paranoia about the health of your console is one of the essential Wii Fanboy skills. Sometimes I lie awake at night. But finally, my worries are over. It’s about time someone released a Dust Prevent Cover. It looks like they clip onto the air vents which is a great idea. It’s written in Engrish which is a good sign. Products made in Asia are always much better quality than everywhere else. “Prevent the dust into the console, and prolong the console’s life.” That’s quality right there. But it could restrict airflow slightly, so you may need the next accessory as well.

Overheating of my Wii has been a pretty constant and annoying problem. It frequently gets so hot that games lock up right before I reach that all-important save point. And it’s definitely too quiet, which is a major failing of the console design, really. Other competing consoles have improved ambient noise generation technology, and I’m sad to say the Wii is lagging behind in this field. There are a few different coolers to choose from. You should probably buy multiple coolers just to be on the safe side. If your console isn’t overheating, then it’s only because you’re so much of a n00b that you don’t notice. Geez.

You’ll of course be pimping off the Wii to your friends, and the easiest way to do this is to take it with you. That way you’ll be able to stealthily convert any conventional gathering into a Wii party, and proceed to own random strangers. There’s a few Wii carry cases out there and I still can’t decide which Wii case to get. I like the look of that shiny one. It should be better than the others at reflecting infra-red radiation, since the Wii’s performance decreases with even a slight increase in temperature. But maybe get a couple so you have flexibility.

Who needs Nyko’s Wireless Nunchuck when you have this beauty. With this impressive cord management device, you’d hardly even notice the cord is there. “What cord?” I can hear you saying it already. Don’t get me wrong, you still need a wireless nunchuck, but give that to your n00b friend on the second controller. The wireless ones are way laggy and lag does NOT make for a happy Wii Fanboy.

I’m a huge fan of Wii Sports. It keeps me fit so I can impress the ladies with my l33t Wii physique, then take them home and own them at Sports. But if you want the ultimate edge, you’ll need some extra gear. This comes in a variety of many different and useful forms. Oh wait, that last one’s not for Sports. Buy it anyway.

I almost forgot! In preparation for your upcoming purchase of the High School Musical game, you’ll obviously need this USB Microphone. Plus it will come in handy for other Wii karaoke games.

Hmm, I have been thinking some more about the Wii overheating problem, and I found a refrigerated Wii cooling device which even comes in white to match the Wii. But wireless reception with that could be a problem, so maybe that’s not essential. Unless…

I guess that covers all the main Wii accessories. There are heaps more and make sure you collect them all. But let’s not forget what we set out to achieve. Here’s the list of Wii accessories with prices (some converted from USD and GBP; accurate at time of post). I’ve left off the Wii fridge as it wouldn’t be much of a challenge to beat the price of the Wii if we cheated, would it?

Now I don’t know about you but I paid AU$380 for my Wii, which means we’ve done it!

Impressive this list is, my young padawan. Buy them all, one must, if one seeks to be the Ultimate Wii Fanboy.